Dates and free bus travel ...

... Should have been disabled sooner.

Went into Roedean today for the first time since ... Can't remember actually, but for quite a while. Needed to clear out my study of the final bits and bobs before summer starts. They broke up today, and I managed to see a couple of people to say bye to, luckily.

I have a meeting on Wednesday to decide what I'm doing in September. I had a dream last night that told me I should go back to Roedean, but don't think many people will acknowledge a sign from God as well as I will.

I've never been more confused in my life than I have in the past weeks. I don't know what is right for me to do. I don't know what is best either, and I feel they are two seperate things. I'm having to make choices that will decide the lay of my life, possibly, and I'm not sure where each path leads, or which one is the right one for me.

I wrote some pro's / con's lists. The thing is, I can't wait to get better before I start doing things, because no-one knows when thats going to be. It could be months, it could be years, and sitting around waiting to feel better isn't going to speed up the process. Plus, being the type of person I am, I need to be active, doing things, seeing people. Its all part of my mental - and physical - recovery, I accept that now.

Its all crazy, and up in the air, and rediculously hard to even attempt to think logically sometimes. I'm grateful for all I have, and I know how much worse I could be, but it is very difficult sometimes not to wish everything was different. I do hope that doesn't sound too selfish.

My legs are very shakey this evening, and my joints all ache. I've tried using the Iprogel or whatever it is that they gave me when I hurt my neck, but it seems to make no difference really. I have found, though, that raising my legs, and keeping my knees supported, makes them more comfy.

Another M.E. sufferer recommended making Rosary, which I may well try. Its something productive to do, and I would also feel the happiness of spreading comfort into other peoples lives. For, even some Buddists I have spoken to have said that just holding Rosary beads feel comforting and protective. You don't have to be Catholic, you don't even have to believe in God, to feel the presence and support of the beads. They're lovely, and I keep a set of mine next to my pillow when I sleep, so I can reach up and touch them.

I have three sets of beads - one are plain wood, one are silver with red beads, and my third are silver with pearls. The plain wood ones I have had longest, and I tend to take everywhere with me - currently they are looped in a belt loop and tucked into my pocket. The red beads I bought from Canterbury Cathedral and are rather beautiful - they have been blessed by the Bishop also. My final set are my pride and joy; I use them when praying most of the time, even if I am not saying the Rosary, I wrap them round my hand. They were a present from my cousin, and she bought them from the Vatican, so they are incredably special to me.

I do hope this doesn't offend anyone who is reading, because it is not a religious preech. I just wished to share some of the things which i have found benifical since I have been ill.

Singing is still very theraputic. I can do that laying down as well, when I'm stuck in bed. Just singing stupid little nusery rhyemes or whatever is in my head, makes me smile. I have always felt comftable with music, and singing is like weaving a safe, smiley net around myself. I think its always good to find something like that, regardless of what it is, and, actually, regardless of if you're ill or not. Having a little more comfort in the world can never be a bad thing.

I leave this post with a little Ancient Egyptian saying I am fond of -

Live your life, and you will never die

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