Wow ... Today, its like I've lost completely, any composure I had retained up till this point. Everything feels incredably bad and confusing.
September is months away, but I have under a week to make my decision. I don't know what to do, I'm so confused! I wish I could, to be honest, just run away from it all so I don't have to face it, come back in a couple of weeks, and have someone decided everything for me. Or even better, to just go somewhere completely new, and start over, not have to think about all this, or come back until I feel able to face it. I swear, being here isn't helping me at all. Surrounded by people I don't want to see, in a place I don't want to be ... Its making everything so much more complicated.
But then again, even if I had the physical strength to go anywhere, where would I go?!
I'm not normally one to run from my problems - I have learnt from experience that it is not a good idea. But I really don't know how to make everything work here, anymore.
My legs, head, and generally tiredness levels were so bad today, I couldn't go to hospital. So I missed out on the trip to Blood Brothers, and saying goodbye to Charlotte.
September is a terrifying prospect to me at the moment. I have always enjoyed study, for pleasure and for school, but recently it scares me so much, I am wondering, seriously thinking, is it worth it?
Could I bear to take another year out?
I don't want to, but can I deal with the feeling of failure if I have to drop out again instead?
I'm so tired today, just from walking round school yesterday. How on earth will I mange that five days a week - let alone going to lessons, and doing prep.?
I'm worried if I return anywhere, I'll make myself worse, and yet sitting around waiting to recover never helped anyone. If anything it makes them feel worse, because they end up doing nothing, and feeling even more low than normal. I don't think I could live with myself being like that.
So - what do I do? Do I risk making myself worse, and risk the bone-leveling sense of failure it it goes wrong? Or is it simply taking a chance, and perserveing?
Or - do I take another year? Or not return to education all together, prehaphs doing some home study courses. What is best for me?
Simple answer - I have no idea.
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1 comment:
I think you should write down everything in life that you enjoy, everything you find hard,things you would like to do and everything you dislike. Compare these and find a common denominator. So what if you don't go back to college, its not worth becoming more ill over and destroying the good dreams. Keep flying and good luck, cause whatever you do my thoughts and wishes are with you, and you will be fantastic!!
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